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Ataxia Support Network

So bloody depressed


#1

I have suffered with chronic depression for the last three years not long after being diagnosed and have had two 6 weeks admissions to the “loony bin” once after taking an overdose and once after very nearly taking one. I’m grieving for my life and angry that I’ve lost most of what I was. I’m sitting here now at stupid o’clock after just over 3 hours sleep and my “black dog” is steadily getting bigger. I’ve been on anti-depressants for nearly 4 years but every so often they just stop helping and it takes over. Motivation, interest etc is all gone and even knowing that I have a busy social calendar this month is filling me with dread and thinking of excuses to get out of it. I’m no longer the life and soul of the party, I’m the one watching everyone dancing and having fun whilst sitting in my wheelchair on the sidelines. Ataxia takes everything that you used to and want to be again. I hate it and everything about it. Life is crap with bloody Ataxia and there’s no way back. I’ve had 2 nasty falls recently and the one before last frightened me so much I don’t want to go out. I used to work with challenging people and I had to deal with aggressive behaviour and the likelihood of getting assaulted every day but now I’m afraid to step out of my front door. People are constantly staring at me and I feel bloody useless and guilty that people have to do things for me. My Hubbie is great but even he looks worn out even though he says he’s not. What can I offer him ? Nothing, not even a decent sex life as Ataxia has taken that too. I’m in constant pain and today he had to cut my dinner up for me as my hands were hurting so much. Everything that I loved doing is an effort.
Nothing helps, I just want my life back !!!
I hate bloody Ataxia it’s all b******s.


#2

Hello Beverly..I've been there and have now understood where the depression came from..Pain medication was given to me like jelly beans! Codeine,paracetamol etc. send this Ataxian absolutely crazy..I now only take Ibruprofen and I feel sooo good..My symptoms have reduced with regards to balance,speech,co-ordination and general well-being..

There is hope,so I wish you my sincere support and understanding..No-one knows what a $hit condition this is like we do..Take care, Ozzy



#3

Hi Bev:-)
Without a doubt, ataxia is everything you say it is. I bet you spoke for a lot of people today.
Mostly, once these pent up feelings are aired, it’s a form of release, like a valve on a pressure cooker. Then logic takes over and it’s possible to get thoughts into perspective again.
If nothing else Bev, I know you’re resilient and probably stubborn:-) Experience must tell you to make contact with someone when you feel like this, talking therapy has probably helped you in the past.
If you don’t already belong to an AtaxiaUK support group, have a look online for contact details. I don’t know exactly where you live but there is a contact shown for Kent:-)xB


#4

Thanks guys. I don’t know why I get like this at this time every year or so. One minute I’ve come to terms with it and the next it’s getting me down again but every time the lows are getting worse. Not having my beloved job hurts like hell and I’m going stir crazy even though it’s a perfect excuse to do buggar all. The nearest support group is quite a way away so that doesn’t help.
I keep trying with the meds but I’ve been told not to stop with the anti depressants and I’m on Morphne for pain I’m just so very pissed off xxx


#5

Oh you have put into words what I feel regularly it is so hard to come to terms with the loss of your abilities and some days it’s impossible. I am new to this support group thing but in the couple of hours since joining I have smiled and cried to know I am not the only one and that I can share and relate to others in similar situations. It’s great to offload
Take care


#6

Beverly,
I have to tell you thank you for posting this. I today am feeling vey low after several months of “happiness” and your post reminded me that is does get better- some days. The feelings, not the disease really. But when my mind is better, I’m physically more capable. But it’s a vicious cycle because then I do more and overdo it and feel
Physically worse.
Just know that others feel very much like you do. Best wishes. I just really wanted to say thanks.


#7

It is so hard sometimes when you can't go where everyone else does. You feel bad and they say they understand but you feel like a burden and they are just trying to be kind.