I had a migraine the other day. It was super bad and sudden and so of course I had apraxia problems at the same time. I dimly remember my one year old looking down at me like I was a strange bug and then my husband came back from work and got various migraine medicines in me until I was able to open my eyes again. I basically lost a whole day. I'm just now feeling okay again.
I'll go a long time without acknowledging to myself that I'm disabled or that my ataxia is any kind of real problem. I'm on full disability, but I'm almost done with my master's and I'm planning to start a PhD next year. I have this loose plan to teach or work in statistics.
Then I'll have something like that migraine happen. It could easily be anything else. Last fall it was a car accident with a sprained back and neck. Once it was the flu. Whatever random thing my body can't handle PLUS the ataxia.
Then I'll think, what's the point? Maybe I need to cut it out and take out some needlepoint. Or go back to learning Japanese. Like why go through the trouble of professional development when everything is so fragile? Sometimes I feel like I'm going to get to the end of a PhD and be standing there with it in my hand like some kind of fool, unable to use it. Then like maybe one person will do a slow, sarcastic clap.
I guess I just needed to do a woe is me. It's usually my job to be encouraging. But sometimes I just need a pity party.